So I’m in the process of watching Sword of Vengeance (2015, dir. some talentless hack). It’s set in late 11th century England, just after the Norman Conquest of England. I went to grad school for a long time studying medieval Europe, but this film has taught me a lot of things that my formal education somehow managed to miss. I can’t be bothered to figured out the plot of the film. I dunno, I’m guessing it involves vengeance somewhere along the line, based on the title and the protagonist’s constant scowling. So instead, I figure I’d just tell you what this film is teaching me.
- Northern England has a really tall mountain. I think Peter Jackson filmed the Mt Doom sequence there.
- The Anglo-Saxons took their landscaping cues from the Blair Witch.
- Color had not yet been invented in this period.
- Darkness and fog were extremely common. I think the locals must mine them somewhere nearby, thus making them cheap and plentiful commodities.
- Normans used names like Durant, Artus and Romain. The Anglo-Saxons were too poor to have names, except during credit sequences.Our hero uses the name Shadow Walker, which I think means he was baptized for St. Shadow Walker, the patron saint of emo.
- If you pause Netflix long enough, it logs you out.
- If you try really hard, you can use pottery as a mirror.
- I’m wrong. They don’t mine fog. They grow it in fields around the castle.
- “We could rule this land with a dozen men.” Is that some sort of zen koan? I mean, the bad guys have a dozen men at least, and I think they rule. So why say that? Ok, that’s not something I learned. But I think there must be some secret of enlightenment lurking in it. I want to learn it.
- 11th century Normans knew how to build 13th century castles.
- The Anglo-Saxons never converted to Christianity. Neither did the Normans, except on paper.
- A well-made sword can cut through a soundtrack, or at least scratch it.
- The Anglo-Saxons were way pluckier than the Normans, and better fighters as well. I guess that’s why the Normans defeated them.
- Everything important happened at night. Except fog-farming. That was a daytime activity.
- The Normans were the worst villains ever. Literally every scene they appear in, at least one of them dies or gets maimed.
- You can make a longbow by picking up any old stick and tying a string to both ends.
- Berserkers were so bad-ass, they had to be kept locked in a wagon until it was time for them to fight. But they were Normans, so they still sucked in combat.
- Fur was a very popular fashion statement. So popular, nobody actually wore fabric back then. Just fur and leather. And occasionally white face paint.
- Weird masks and head-dresses were a popular accoutrement for fur and leather, especially if they had horns.
- Turning your back to someone who’s trying to kill you and then waving your swords behind you is a really cool way to fight. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
- If you’re going to kill your brother with his own knives, don’t leave those knives lying around where his young son can find them, swear vengeance against you, and carry them with him for a decade while he learns to be a kick-ass scowly warrior, even if you sell the kid into slavery. It will end badly for you.
- The Normans were not smart enough to avoid charging into bonfires.
- In the 11th century, doing things at regular speed was pretty expensive, so people did as many things in slo-mo as they could, to save money.
- Stanley Weber got paid a lot of money to play Shadow Walker. How else could they get someone to wear this haircut for an entire movie?
Want to Know More?
There isn’t anything more to know about this film.
HYSTERICAL
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Very entertaining… The blog, not the film!
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St. Shadow Walker, the patron saint of emo….LMFAO…going by most action movies nowadays, he must be a VERY popular saint indeed. Awesome review of what sounds like a very bad film. Think I’ll pass and save myself a couple hours of misery. Thank you for the heads-up. 🙂
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This was a review where snark was the only option, because there wasn’t anything else to talk about.
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Let us know if MST3K ever riffs on it, though.
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The saint was French. His name was spelled “Shadeux”, I believe. He was, as you gathered, the patron saint of walking.
Even though I, unfortunately missed the film, I did just watch the trailer, and it tells me that it comes from the creator of “Hammer of the Gods”, which, as far as I can tell is, instead of being about a Saxon in leather in fur out for revenge, is about a Viking in leather and fur out for revenge.
An actual question related to this…thing. Have there been any actual movies about William’s Harrowing of the North? It seems like Hastings and the aftermath would be fertile ground for movies. You’ve got intrigue, political maneuvering, war, kings being ambiguously shot in the eye, etc. In spite of that, I can’t really think of any.
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I agree that the setting had a ton of potential. For a brief moment, I thought it would go somewhere. Then the second prologue text appeared and I realized it was not going to be good.
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Wonderful, Andrew. Must see that movie. I wonder what Lindybeige has to say about it, but I suspect he isn’t even going to bother.
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There really isn’t anything to analyze because it’s all so wrong. The ‘armor’ is mostly dreadful, but I couldn’t think of a way to easily mock it.
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I just discovered your blog, Andrew. I’m planning to follow it from now on.
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Now I have to be extra careful about what I say…
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Reblogged this on schreckenbergschreibt and commented:
A. E. Larsens “A Historian goes to the movies” ist im Moment einer meiner Lieblingsblogs und eigentlich müsste ich ihn dauernd rebloggen… aber diesen resigniert-verzweifelten Beitrag darf ich Euch einfach nicht vorenthalten. 😀
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“Darkness and fog were extremely common.”
Of course! It was the *Dark Ages* after all! That lasted until Voltaire created light.
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More like the Dank Ages, given all that clammy fog
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Very funny! It’s like the line in – I think – Excalibur, where they say “Hopefully the fog will hide the fact that our numbers are few!” Yes, and the equally important fact that OUR BUDGET IS SMALL …
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Yeah, but they couldn’t afford enough fog for that.
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